I pull up to The Doctor’s and there’s this mysterious Blue Box that says Police Box. Nah that didn’t really happen but still I wanted to write it. 1/14/18 I’m going to my Doctor’s Appointment. I go check in and wait to be called. I get my blood pressure check (normal as always). Temperature was checked (Normal). Also had my pulse checked no idea why they do that one but it was (Normal) as well. I get weighed I’m up to 126.5 Lbs when the heck did I gain weight.
During this check up the nurse mentions my eye shadow and complements it and says I can’t do that for some reason so I always just use mascara. I told her basically if you want to do eye shadow you just need to keep practicing. Do a solid color to start off and gradually move to other techniques. She was impressed how much I knew my stuff. She asked me the reason of my visit. It was to get my levels checked for HRT to see where I’m at and to mention about the rash that I got from the hair dye.
She brings me to the Room that I always end up in Room 2. I said to the nurse they always bring me to this exact room she said she’d put my name on it next time we both had a laugh. Waiting for my Doctor to show I messed around on my phone for a bit. My Doctor then came in and the first thing she said was You’re looking really good the HRT is really working out great for you. She asked me what was going on. I told her about the rash and asked about the inject-able estradiol found out I’m not supposed to be taken all 3 at once and that I’m supposed to let it dissolve underneath my tongue I said they could have written that and Laughed. I told her about the rash and she scolded me for not seeing her. She was like you can come to me for anything.
I asked about getting the flu shot told her about my back hurting and then she noticed my nose was a bit off for the first time. So not only did I get my levels’ checked at the office, I got my flu shot as well, and X-Rays. It was a very busy day I was there for quite some time. I am very lucky the X-Ray tech could squeeze me in she was really nice to me too.
Despite this great looking picture. I’m hurting very much inside. Ever since I started this trauma timeline my therapist wants me to do it’s been on high and I can’t seem to get out of this funk. It mostly has to do with my rape that happened to me. It’s chain triggering all my other rape trauma. I don’t know what to do. It’s making me highly irritable and cranky and I want some attention all focused on me.
It’s been a debilitating past few days well honestly since Wednesday. I’m scared now more then ever someone’s going to rape me or hurt me. I won’t even talk to most the people that support me. It’s like how do you discuss rape which is triggering in itself to people that also can be triggered about it. Maybe it’s a combination of the rapes and the dysphoria I have. Maybe some sort of connection between the two. Who fucking knows. I just know I can’t take much more of this.
Sadly I turned in my drawing for my Trama timeline before taking a picture of it to put in my journal. I drew an event from when I was in 7th grade. I was in band back then. I had just got to class and couldn’t afford being tardy to the class. You got one and they would kick you out that sort of thing. So I go to my seat with my tuba, and raise my hand to ask to go to the rest room. The band instructor refused my request.
He had stated you should have gone before class. Now this band room was on the opposite side of the building it took the whole time that you got to get to your next class to get there. No matter how fast you walked. So I keep stressing the urgency to go to the restroom. The Instructor said no no no, and I was It’s urgent please let me go. I made one last effort to get to go he denied me and I wet myself in class. Everyone made fun of me and he sent me to the nurse to get changed.
The next thing that we went over was my first rape that still today no one believes it really happened save those who know me really well. I’ll spare you the details because it’s graphic. Even my therapist had said that’s a vivid reconciliation. You remember all those details so clearly. I said it’s because it’s like a movie playing in my head and I know every single thing that happened when I was first raped.
Today was a very busy day. Woke up had 2 cups of coffee did my amazing makeup. It’s a new technique that I learned on my own. see images
So that’s what I looked like getting the tire patched from my partners car. We took the vehicle to Tire’s Plus, They were unsuspectingly nice to us. I had gotten in line while my partner was finishing up their cigarette. I went inside and waited in line. The line was mediocre. (Medium Length) One by one the line got shorter, and I was going to be next. The Tire’s plus guy said “We will be with you just in a minute Ma’am.”Then my partner came in and stood next to me while some guy ran up for signing some paperwork. Then the man said, “We will be with you ladies shortly”Twice I was validated as a lady the first time it felt really good I lit up like a giant fireball. It feels really good when someone validates your gender. Above are the pictures I took of my makeup. I tried a new technique as I stated above as well.
Sadly the wait was too long and we went to Walmart walking around being bored to death. Did seem some sexy boots that I can’t afford to get but they look exactly me. Not that I don’t love the one’s I have. They are deteriorating because of how they were made so eventually I’ll have to replace them. I honestly love these boots, I wear them all the time. Walmart had time to patch it and we went to my doctor’s office to get my script and finally got my Anxiety medication and it knocked me out for a while. Should have cut it in half lesson learned. Anyways it was a very validating day.
Wow it’s been 4 appointments already? I gave her my drawing I did for my trauma timeline. She wanted to keep it for some reason I didn’t ask. I probably should have asked. She did this thing where she made me come up with a safe place and a word to associate it to help with things. I thought of Utah where the sunrises in the beautiful land. The word I associated with it was the word beautiful.
She had asked me to think of a good moment and associate that image with that word and asked me where I feel it and it was my heart. Then she told me to think about some incidents I didn’t feel so good with and I felt sad. Sometimes she’d do this light thing that was supposed to help. It did a bit but not to any really great significance. She also mentioned that due to what was currently going on with me I shouldn’t be working because it could lead to a break down. However, what else am I supposed to do. I can’t stay where I am forever and my time here is growing shorter and shorter. I hate being homeless and broke.
One doesn’t simply walk into Walmart. I had to do grocery shopping today. Right when I walked in felt this nasty vibe. I tried to ignore it and went to the gardening area of the store. They had a 75% Off of xmas stuff that they had extra of. I got some more makeup and a cherry blossom bath bomb. I used that in a bath I just had. It was wonderful and I smell awesome. The makeup set looks really nice too. Anyways not what I wanted to talk about.
Walking by and looking at all the cute clothing which I had to force myself to get away from. Made my way to the grocery section of Walmart trying to decide on a block of cheese that I wanted to get for the house. While trying to find one some people come up behind me and a person clears their throat instead of saying excuse me. Making me very irritated cuz they couldn’t politely ask me to move so they could look at the cheese.
About maybe 20 mins later some person passes me points a finger right at me laughing. I felt so hurt by this I couldn’t even let it go. I should have said something to them. Alas I didn’t because I’m way to nice.
Wow 2018 just flew by, not quiet 2019 yet just a few hours away as I’m writing this. I took a look back at all my pictures of 2018 and I’ve changed so much I guess it’s easier to see when you compare one picture from your past to a picture now. Day by Day just really unnoticeable probably because it runs so slow. Just got so much on my mind.
My voice, I know I need to actually work on it and stop making excuses for not doing it. It’s foremost on my mind and I really need to kick it into high gear and make it a priority. At least move it up from barely doing it to trying to do it all the time. It’s just difficult to maintain it or keep it level and that’s probably a good reason to be working on it. I know my voice is there and it wants out. I find myself listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance. I never heard them when they first came out. I really actually enjoy their music. I just didn’t want to jump on the band wagon of anyone else you know?
Also I want to get my hair cut and done the way I want it. You find little things you change and you take them one at a time. Just easier then dealing with a massive change all at once. That takes me back to what my therapist wanted me to do with my trauma if you are keeping up with my blog. I just don’t think breaking the trauma down one by one isn’t going to help. It made me feel bad for like 3 days after I drew what I drew. Which can be found in my scientific journal.