Sometimes empathy is a bitch. When someone’s angry, and I can feel it. It set’s off my PTSD. I’m smothered in memories of being beat up and I get scared. It really sucks sometimes. Other times it’s awesome when I know what a person is feeling and its a good feeling and generates good vibes.
Another thing is that since my transition I can smell people’s pheromones. Not really a bad thing but it turns me on some. I couple be waking by someone and the air folks my nostrils with a sweet smell. Other trans people gaffe said they can as well.
Thank you for reading
You don’t understand the fear I have of being killed for being a trans woman. My trans friends do. I have to go out to do important things like get my medication go to appointments and people look at me as I’m some thing that they can’t possibly understand and could be killed just waking out my door. The burden of all my mental illness is overwhelming. My therapist claims that there’s a lot of work that I need to do with her help. If that tells you anything. You don’t understand what it’s like to be misgendered due to my voice or the way I look. My trans friends do. You don’t understand how much it takes for me to do this whey single day just to find some happinessin my life. Again my trans friends do. Some easily pass others walk the same path I do. I feel I waited to long to do this and won’t be seen as a woman. There’s much to be done before my surgery. Which is in Arizona and who will have to care for me for 6 weeks. I can’t even figure out a way to do that. You don’t understand the pain and torment I go through. People break up with me it’s just a fact. I’m too much of a burden. I’m too much for someone to stay with me. I’m too much afraid I’ll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. This hurts me to no end cuz I never learned how to let things go. Then I’m lied to used thrown away by people I considered friends.
I know I’ve been slacking on my blog. Not much to really add yet. This last week I’ve dated two guys one a psycho and the other a chaser. I should have known better. I really only have myself to blame. I am in my new apartment. It sucks cuz I have no one to talk to. Dysphoria is being it’s usual bitchy self. Wrecking havoc in my delicate mind that isn’t sure how much more bad shit I can take. Honestly I feel very suicidal. Only one person tasks to me on the phone cuz I’m bad at initiating first contact. That’s my bad sorry it’s like that. I’m out of data so no more Facebook for a while. I hate being alone.
I arrived at approximately 8:30 a.m. Mountain Standard time. I sign in and I’m told that the doctor is late. After waiting about 10 minutes, I get a phone call from the doctor, and he tells me that he had a flat tire and that I have to reschedule. So I call up my transportation people, and they tell me that’s got to be about an hour until my ride arrives. One hour later, the driver hasn’t shown. I called back my transportation people and ask for those guy is. They tell me it’s going to be another 15 minutes. So I wait another 15 minutes, and guess who doesn’t show. The driver didn’t show, and I called the transportation people yet again. They basically tell me that I need to wait 10 more minutes, and two call back if he doesn’t show. Bye this time it’s been almost 2 hours that I’ve been waiting. I finally saw the driver gone the car and haven’t gotten home since 11 21 a.m. Mountain Standard time. So the total time was 2 hours and 22 minutes. The first time this driver picked me up by the way was the same driver that picked me up from where I was. He didn’t wear is seatbelt when he originally drop me off. Which makes me extremely pissed that I got the same f****** driver that I got before that I had complained about. This is why I hate going out this is why I hate calling my transportation service this is why I felt like I didn’t need to go to this appointment.
I’m pondering what to say about this and the loss of my therapist. I’m really fucking pissed the fuck off about having to go to yet another Psyc. Appointment for SSI. They stated and I quote. “You refused to cooperate.” Which is a bunch of fucking bullshit. The man who did my first one actually said he was going to recommend that I get SSI. So much for that eh? I’m really ticked off having to go through this again. Where I’ll probably forget the person’s name a dozen of times be paranoid watching the doors. I hate to have to do this yet again. Odds’ are that this new dude will misgender me and upset me even more.
As for my therapist. She’s done everything she could to help me. I’m to the point where I have to have a talking psychiatrist. We did two AMR sessions and the second one gave me a terrible nightmare even working beyond what my medication would usually block. I’m sad to lose her, she was really nice and wonderful.
So sorry that I haven’t been writing lately I’ve been pretty busy with doing a bunch of other things. Good news is that I may have my own place tomorrow. I’ll need to set up internet and power though and don’t really have the money for that, and to top that off I owe my mom $100 for my international calls to one of my g/f’s
I am a Woman
I am Sexy
I am Beautiful
I am a Trans Woman
I am a She
I am a Her
I am a Alluring
I am Sassy
I am Gorgeous
I am Also Broken
I am Also Hated
I am Also Betrayed
I am an Honest Person
I am also a Demoness
I am a Goth
I am Perfect The Way I am
I am Human
I am Survivor
I am Strong
I am Going To Resist
I am Going to Stand Up For What I Believe
I Will Resist.
I Will Fight and Stand Tall.
I am a Mystic
Sorry it’s been quiet sometime since I blogged. I’ve had so much going on and been busy trying to get a home. I submitted my background check to the police. Should be good to go crosses fingers. I’ve never really done anything to warrant any suspicion. Nor have I’ve been convicted of any felony’s and that’s a fact jack. No matter what you may have heard about me check your sources. They will be wrong. I got my levels checked again and I got bruised pretty badly. I went from 63 estrogen to 43 and that’s the wrong way.
Things that it could be menopause. Which I’m not feeling any symptoms of. God am I old enough for that lol. My testosterone was pretty much dead. < 3 reading which means basically that it can’t be read at all so that’s a good thing. I was upset about the estrogen as you know anyone would be that is on this fabulous journey. I talked about my feelings on this with several others and realized it’s just a bloody number. It doesn’t make me less of a woman. I’m Sexy, I’m attractive, I’m wanted by my partners and they love the hell out of me as much as I love them. I’ve never been so happy to be apart of their lives. It’s like something so magical that’s it’s hard to even believe.
I honestly never have been this happy before it’s kinda of scary. I’m just going along for the ride and going to Oregon eventually. Til then I’m working on housing here in Las Cruces.
Side note not dating this person but I was kissed technically for the first time in 4 months. I totally forgot about how much love is in a kiss. I didn’t expect it; not even a potential partner just kinda happened. My life is full of stuff that just happens and I have no idea what caused them to nor do I even care. I enjoyed it.
Another partner and I had a 4 hour cam fun that was so amazing. I couldn’t believe how much we have in common and how much we really felt for each other. We laugh so much and we blush and we just get along so well. I never knew that something like this would happen to me. I thought I was doomed to be alone. I’m in a polycule and have a few other partners. It’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and I couldn’t be happier.
There are people out there that actually love and give a damn about little ole me. I couldn’t wish for anything better cuz honestly this is the best my life has gotten. I wouldn’t change it for anything.