Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Doctor Visit 4 other rants

Its 444 am mountian time. I get to see my Doctor again. Hopefully she’ll be able to check my levels. Mind you I haven’t seen my Doctor since the rape happened. I’m really at a loss of what I’m going to go through to tell her cuz there’s just so much that has gone on since then I blacked out three times I was sent to the hospital three times we’re all they did was giving the IV and send me on my Merry way. I am getting very dizzy constantly which is causing the blackouts couldbe the lack of water.

I really don’t like how my morial hospital has treated me every single time I’ve been there except quads which is the first time I went there hey there free likes about respecting my pronouns of gender and the moon like a domino effect of last three visits to the hospital have led to nothing but transphobic Steve it’s basically being told that in order to be a female after legally change your name or no one’s ever going to recognize that it doesn’t matter what I wear when they sound like blah blah blah blah blah

I really need to get the surgery done ASAP I just need to find someone who’s going to take care of me and you know cuz I’ll be a bad word for six weeks and I’ll be in a lot of pain and I won’t be able to do jack schitt I really need to call a lawyer’s office and tell him what’s going on cuz really the place that wherever at can neither confirm or confirm nor deny that this is where I am even though that’s this is where I am.

Also I screwed up a relationship with my other girlfriend and they have not talked to me since then. I know it may take a while before they can forgive me for the statement that I made but I’m a type of person to express my feelings and I think that all parties should be treated equal it doesn’t matter to me it doesn’t matter if you have a private partner or side part or what not it’s just I feel like everyone should be treated equal.

Maybe she’ll forgive me maybe she won’t who knows only time will tell the other person it’s like whenever I ask them to go out for some talking time it just seems like there’s someone always there with them and it seems like they’d rather be with them than with me and I guess that’s my paranoia getting to me cuz I really do know how much this person cares for me but I’d I don’t know I’m caught into a rock and a hard place cuz I don’t know where I’m going to be going or anything like that. I mean my Trends Mill is in the Indiana and the person here is in Las Cruces and I’m having a really hard time not really knowing what I should do because of how I ain’t I’m pretty sure they’re not trying to treat me this way it’s just a get my paranoia acting up or what not I just want to be told I’m loved and I need a great big hug and I know that this person is not quite ready for that cuz they’ve been through something more serious and I have yeah I was raised but you know it’s like my pain is not greater than anyone else’s it’s just that’s the way it is my life has been full of rape I’ve been tormented a being abused I’ve been psychological mental and PTSD and schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and multiple personality disorder which no one seems to freaking understand that I should not be held accountable for something that I didn’t personally do it’s just the part of me that’s inside of his I got out and decided to do some stupid s*** and it’s very hard for me to control and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m just going to wait till you know this person says that you know come live with me I’ll take care of you and I do love you and I know that’s going to take them a great amount of time to do so especially since the stuff is you. I got give this person time to mend time to heal and not pressure them which I try not to do and it’s like but whenever I want to talk to them it’s just the altar busy and sometimes I just need to talk to someone and not be feel £ggj?’m reallyg from anywhere

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

No law can take my rights away.

What I go through on a daily basis. I wake up and the flashbacks come flooding in. Then not to shortly after Dysphoria kicks in and makes me ultra paranoid about myself. I have to constantly remind myself that these are just schizophrenic thoughts trying to harm me and bring me down.
 
I fighting for my life. I’m fighting to be recognized for who I truly am. No mater how many scars people give me. No matter how much of a beating I take. No matter how much trans phobic comments are made to me. I will always concur it no matter if I fall into my darkness how much pain I maybe in.
 
Supportive people remind me just how beautiful I truly am. I’m a fantastic beautiful trans woman and I’m down proud of that. I will fight for my right to be me without prying idiots that think it’s their fucking business to define my parts by what they believe they are but this belief is wrong WRONG WRONG!.
 
I’m a trans woman. My parts are what I define them not what you do. You have no RIGHT to tell me what my body is no matter what. Science has proven this over and over and over again.
 
Like I said in my video which I’m dead serious about. I will lead this revolution to get the rights that are ours and should never be taken away because you think you know what it right for me.
 
NEWS FLASH…. ITS NOT WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I DEFINE MYSELF AND THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED AND THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE.
 
I’m going to model. Help me reach my goal be supportive. Generate ideas I’m an open minded gal. I’m a fucking sexy trans woman and NO ONE can take that away from me.
Posted on by kaytlyndakota

A Different Side Of Life

This is a whole new world. It’s pretty amazing what’s been going around me. What I’ve wanted since I started my transition was to do the things I missed out on growing up. Little did I know it was coming to me. Never again will I dye my hair. This painful trip though there’s been bright sides to it. It’s going to be a while before I’m completely healed. I can’t shave right now even though that annoys me to my nerves that are jittery as fuck. Set up an appointment for my doctor and hope that I can get something to speed this up. I’m so very much enjoying being a woman. I’m also seeing how my friends loved ones etc are being treated in this world of hate. We still move forward not backwards. I still have issues with my past. Though I’m making new memories for the future. Things are really looking up for me. It’s still very hard for me to battle my dysphoria and mental health. Not to mention a lot more things that are going on. I don’t feel so stressed out and in panic mode.

I have to keep reminding myself I’m beautiful despite all these itchy painful scabs. I have to avoid the itching and burning feeling I’m getting or I’m going to make it worse. I’m glad that people are looking past it. That’s easing my dysphoria a little though I still have hair that’s annoying me. You really don’t understand that I have to shave it’s a must. If I don’t I panic and run out of ideas to work around it It really hurts to see it and kills me on the inside. Though there are those that look beyond the hair and see the beautiful woman I truly am. I’ve been working on this all my life and didn’t even know I was doing it. Building my feminine self since I first drew breathe. It’s truly amazing to be myself and how everything just fell into place when I needed it to the most.

I was blindsided by things going extremely beyond well despite my speed bumps. Although I still stumble. There’s always something there that will remind me that everything is ok and that I am loved and cared for. I just had to look in the right place to see it finally. I’ve never been like this in my life. I’ve always hid from people who I truly am because I was scared of being left. It’s amazing to feel like someone’s got my back when I fall. Reminds me of what truly is and is very reassuring. So many people are gendering me correctly without any thing being said. I feel I don’t have to hide anymore. I still get paranoid and that everyone hates me feelings but I’m working harder on avoiding them. I’ve also noticed that my voice is very feminine when I’m really excited about something. It just flows out naturally.

Now if only I could figure out how to apply that to work every single time and not be scared its’ not right. I made myself realize it doesn’t matter how I sound it will work itself out. Time is a huge factor that I’m always hating. Now realizing I need to pay attention to all my small chances that lead to huge victories.

Last night I blacked the fuck out. That’s never happened to me before in my life. I am not sure what caused it. I’m finally starting to heal from the hair dye fiasco. I’m glad I can still find the beauty inside. I’m having the most unique experience of being one of the girls that I never thought possible. I’ve had this sudden urge to become a model. Something I’ve felt I need to do from deep within myself. I have the body for it. I may know people that can help me reach that goal. I’ve already got a following on instagram.

Yes I have an instagram lol. I will find a way to become a model it will happen.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

My Transition Story

I didn’t choose to want to be a woman. I am a woman. This is my transition story and how I finally found myself. Before I started to transition I was miserable with my life. I was pretending to be something I wasn’t my whole life til 1 year and 7 months ago when I started my transition. As a child I would keep to myself and play by myself. One Halloween I asked to be a princess sadly I don’t have a picture of that. I wish I did. I never felt 100% comfortable in my own body and always felt something was off. I even asked for a barbie doll just so I could play with it and dress her up and do her hair.

Something my mom doesn’t even know sorry mom but I tried on your clothing in secret and tucked myself and often wondered what I would have looked like as a girl as I looked in the mirror you had. Little did I know at that time I was a girl. A few times in school I would go as a girl to school. Later on I always looked at female clothing when no one was looking at the stores. I was fascinated by all the things that could be worn. I always wondered why I couldn’t have worn a dress or a skirt. When I was in my 20’s I would go out to the bar to a drag show watching all these beautiful drag queens’ lip syncing to popular music. I grew more and more fascinated with wanting to do that.

Then I met someone that I dated that was a drag queen. She took me out to the bar for the first time, and was dancing with me and was the first to call me a she. I didn’t argue with her, I just accepted it because deep down I knew it was true. Sadly she passed away in my arms. That’s a story for another time. I remember being majorly uncomfortable to shower or even change in the locker room when I was in jr high to high school. I didn’t feel like I belonged in the same locker room. These are all things I’ve kept to myself for so very long. After my partner had passed away, I started to dress in drag and I felt a lot more happy with myself and didn’t really draw a connection.

Yes I still deal with major depression and junk but I’m so happy I found myself. Yes I still have issues with my self. Often thinking I’d be better off dead. Which is a constant thing that goes on in my mind that I often get stuck in.

I’m lucky I found someone that helped me find myself. I’m so much happier though I still have my own personal demons.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

1 year and 7 Months HRT

I’ve been in transition for 1 year and 7 months well rounding up a bit. Nevertheless still Dysphoria is at it’s all time high and just seems to be getting worse. This was never a problem before and now since I came out it’s only grown worse as time has going on. I never was bothered by my own hair and now I am it’s odd but still I can’t stand it anymore. I really want to have my surgery but I have to set up a place where someone will be willing to take care of me for 6 months before I can get a prior authorization from my doctor.

Meanwhile my short term memory is getting worse. I can’t recall things when I am told things. I don’t even remember half of what I’ve said at all. I know I’ve talked to people but usually can’t remember what I’ve said and what I have not. That’s really annoying. I am still debating if I want facial reconstruction to make my face more feminized, and a vocal cord to get my voice proper feminine. I’ve been trying to talk feminine it’s not sticking for what ever reason.

I really really really (yes one more) really want my surgery soon now right now honestly. I want it now now now now. Throws a temper tantrum. Ugh I hate having to wait. I finally figure out who I am I’m so much happier for it yet still have my stupid mental health getting in the way of that. I mean look at all those smiles in my selfies. Those are real. I never smiled much taking pictures. Now it’s mostly what I do. People love seeing me this happy. I get compliments all the time about my smile and how they love it on me.

Honestly I feel lost right now where I’m at I didn’t expect to be raped last Sunday. Now my bruises are gone and I’m mending but still hurting from trying to fight the person off. Don’t worry I’m in a safe place right now and I’ll be here at least 3 months. So that will be good for me I need this time to mend and heal. I was going to make this a blog entry in my blog but I want this out there on facebook.

I hate that I feel alone well cuz I am alone technically.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Recovery

Sorry, I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve had a lot going on in my life that wasn’t really good.   I’ve been trying my best to recover.  I spent 2 days not knowing who I was and drinking to the point I was passing out.  My life had hit an all time low.  I was being extremely self destructive trying anything and everything to forgot about my pain and sorrow.  I ended up getting raped.   I’m still mending at this point most of my bruises and cuts have started to heal.  My mind not so much.  Another rape makes it 6 in my life time. That’s a lot.

Part of the problem I’ve always have had.  When I reported it and called the police and went to the hospital.  I’m so depressed I almost killed myself yesterday.  I’ve tried to put up my walls to not get hurt again.  Alas that never works for me.  I put on makeup for the first time in a while.  I really hate shaving all the time especially with the cuts on my face and legs.  I’m in a safe place though I can not mention where.  For my own safety and security and anyone else’s that may be here.

I’m not sleeping well.  I toss and turn at night and have horrible nightmares especially about the events that had happened to me.  I feel so lost right now.  My relationships are doing ok.  Not as well as I would like.  The people I love matter to me and they are my priorities self care cuz I know I need to take some time to heal and try not to post depressing things on my facebook wall.  I can’t help myself.  I’m an attention whore.  I love attention.  Anyways that’s what’s been going on.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Stuck in my head.

I’m so sorry I haven’t written in a while. I keep getting lost in my own head. I need to get out of here. I feel like can’t remember right away. I’m having a really time snapping or of it. Only to be in it again. I’m severely depressed that I know is very concerning to me. I don’t feel my roommate wants me here. I’m having some clear thinking right now. I feel so trapped and useless. For the love of god love me pleae

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Social Security Appointment (Good News Everyone)

Last night, I did a magickal Ritual.  Prayed to my Goddess and My God for assistance.  They came through with flying colours.  Today, I went to my appointment saw my SSI GUY (Bill Nye The Science Guy (Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill)) Anyways he preformed an lot of test on me no harm came to me.  Reflexes walking and other things,  Then asked me a lot of questions.  I lost another 3 lbs 😦  No one mis-gendered me no one disrespected me.

The Good News is he’s suggestion that SSI approve me!

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Doctor’s Visit #3

After missing my appointment last time.  I finally made it to my Doctor for a follow up appointment.  My levels are almost where I need them.   I talked to her about what my case manager had said about the Bottom Surgery which was to reauthorize it with the insurance and it’ll go through, paid by insurance.   This woman is on track.  My Doctor said of course she would do it also wrote me a letter saying that I couldn’t work due to my Mental Health in her professional opinion. I mentioned what had been going on and I broke down and cried my heart out all she could do was hug me and tell me that she wish she could help.

 

 

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

YAY PEOPLE

Got A ride to the store, thank you neighbor. Got some drinks and bread for food. YAY

Didn’t get misgendered at all today.

Got some new friends.

Got my Doc’s appointment so all good today.

 

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