Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Darkness

Darkness

43 Years
seems like a lifetime,
yet a short amount of time.

I was raped a lot
teased made fun of
used abused

I crave pain
I crave to be dominated
I am very hyper-sexual

I’m Crazy.
PTSD, Pychotic features
Bi-Polar
Schizophrenic
Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder)
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I lost someone when I was 7 , 24,25
It changed me a lot
I bottled and still bottle my feelings
They usually come out in and explosion

When you’ve been raped as much as I have
by people you trusted
You think you’ve deserved it….

It does become a part of you.
You start to feel like it’s the only thing you deserve
you start to develop kinks of being beat
You start to like the pain.

I am a psychopath,
I knew that already
No doctor cares enough to listen to me
no one believed I was raped.

My sexual desire only increases
it is second nature.
I want to scream it out loud
only few understand.
There is something seriously wrong with me.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

How I’m feeling right now!

First things first.  I want to say that I know there’s a lot of you that can’t help me I’m not blaming you nor is what I’m about to say anything to do with you.  This is how I feel.

Yesterday, 4 different drivers no showed for my doctor’s appointment that I really really needed to get to.  Had to cancel.  Today my former partner had to take me to my psychologist appointment and that’s the last ride I can get from them.  I’ve tried and only had 3 donations for Help Kaytlyn from Homeless and surgery funds , and my  Facebook Fundraiser   Click the links to donate. So The person I had arranged to get a chance to pick up the pieces of my life can’t help.  Now the person that was going to help me here has bailed on me.

I no longer have anymore options.  I’m scared, I’m fucking pissed off.  I’m angry.  I want to go on a rampage.  I want to self harm.  I DO NOT want to freeze my ass off in a TENT with 100’s of other people.  I really don’t want to have to do that. I’m starting to hate living.  I have bi polar now. and I’m now on Aripipazole.  so fucking fun.

I FUCKING HATE THIS I NEED FUCKING HELP SERIOUSLY

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

The things that happened to me yesterday

Yesterday, (all my troubles seemed so far away) I had totally lost my mind. I was stumbling everywhere crashing into walls using walls to hold onto. (Kinda like Assassin’s Creed except very not cool. No I didn’t try to do the leap of faith thank god. Besides where am I going to find a wagon of hay to jump into at this hour.) Everytime I was introduced to someone I didn’t know, I had forgoten who they were. Had to ask over and over again who are you what do you do. The vampires took my blood again. Wish I had an oak steak. Stupid vampires always wanting my O posititive blood cuz it’s so rare. Leave me alone you vampires. I only let special vampires have my blood anyways. Right now I have some Enya on trying to calm down from my day yesterday. So the doctor’s examined me and junk. 180 pulse rate 125 lbs (8.92857 stones) just in case you need to know that translation. So they give me two pills for my anxienty, and a couple of shots saying this will put you to sleep. I was like yeah right, I haven’t been sleeping well the past 3 days stress and whatnot. Also being isolated with no one to actually physically talk to didn’t help. I think I went batty. I was talking to the back up nurse that was watching over me. Wonderful lady though I can’t recall her name. She erased my name, and I asked her what she was doing. She had said I am making your name more pretty. I was like awwwwlll. I didn’t expect so many to respect my gender as much as they did. Before I went in I was in the crisis counciling where I got to meet Efron the only person I could rememeber. He was like me liked to be quiet and got all my references. The lady made one reference to something we high fived. I love when people get me. Like Efron he was so cool. So they bring in my dinner it was a balogny sandwich. I hate balogny it’s discusting and nasty. So I didn’t eat it. The back up and nurse and I were just chating she was guarding my door making sure no one got in. Unless they had to bring me more hot blankey’s that’s one thing I love about hospitals is warm blankets. You can’t beat that they always bring me 4 cuz I get really chilly. Anyways she noticed I was drifting off to lala land, and the next thing I know it was 9 am and awake. I had french toast and eggs suprisingly good for breakfast. I ate a bit of oat meal too, they even gave me coffee. How well they know me. I’m a huge coffee drinker I love it. Anyways they said I was going to be discharged and I’m like what I was supposed tobe going to a halfway house sorta thing. Guess what that’s a process too. Fuck me….. Everything’s a god damn process. No we can’t help you now but if you do a b c d e f and jump threw fire and tame a lion and juggle these fire sticks and do Aerial Acrobatics and chant beetleguise 3 times. Walk on a fire pit without being burned. Then and only then can you go through and do g h I j k and then you get help.

Serioulsy, thats how impossible it is to get help here. Everyone said ohhhh they’ll help you. Well they didn’t. Went to get some much needed food other then toast for dinner and nothing else. My former partner helped me out a lot today and serioulsly thank you for that.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

My Truth

This is my truth.

When I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). They stated I would lose all sexual desire. I’m even worse then I was before I stared. I’ve been in transition 1.5 years. I had already come out. I had to reintroduce myself to all my friends. . Im very open with my sexuality I’m pansexual. I love to love. There isn’t anything that is normal. Normal is a word people made just so they could insult the rest of us rebels or those that walk another line other then the sheep standards. 

My mother I got like all her genes lol Blue eyes only one in the family to have them little did she know I secretly tried on all her clothing that oddly fit me. I’d tuck my part between my legs and look in the mirror just to see what I’d look like as a woman. All the time. Makes more sense now then it did back then. I thought I was some kind of wierdo.

Enjoy life for life be who you are don’t be afraid of it. Look at me I’m being a woman and I couldn’t be happier of that. Yeah I have my mental issues that are difficult for me to fight. I’m an inter vert I don’t talk very much.

I’ve only met a handful of men that treated me very well. I miss them most of them are now dust in the wind. Sorry this turned out longer then I expected it to. You are not alone there are many of us “weirdo’s” “non norms” “non compliant” to what people expect you to be.

I felt sharing this with you all

All my best

Kaytlyn Dakota

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Take me fucking now

Will you listen to me now. I don’t talk much and now I have a lot to say. Take me fucking now.

I seriously need a break from all this madness. Just take me fucking already. Time and time again I fall so far down. No organization wants to help me. I can’t get enough donations to get me to a better place. I’ve begging pleaded cried for help from these places. I’m sorry but you fall through the cracks. I’m sorry you have to live in another city in the same damn state to get our help. I’m sorry there’s just not many resources. You’re claim of discrimination denied. You’re appeal denied. You’re injectable denied. I’m sorry unless you make an income we can’t help you. I’m sorry your overqualified for this. I’m sorry though you have an impressive resume we went in another direction. Time after time after time after time again and again and fucking again. Sorry sir, well you look like a man in drag. Sir sir SIR!!!! I’m a fucking her she woman it’s fucking obvious. Oh and every single relationship I’m in FAILS OVER and FUCKING OVER again. l can’t take this bs anymore. I’m tired of fighting and losing. Every single time. I’m tired of being called sir. I’m tied of having a part that only makes me feel incomplete. I realized I was a girl this whole time it just took me too long to come out and transition. My breast are too small. My Addams apple show’s. My voice always sounds wrong. Take me now I can’t do this shit anymore. I can’t take the insults the hate the transphobia the transphobic remarks. The dysphoria. My mental state. I’m totally screwed up in my head and only my doctors believe me. I have flashbacks all the time of rape abuse torture that most don’t even know about. It never stops it keeps repeating and repaying over and over and fucking over again. I really cannot do this. I need my surgery now but can I do it no. Oh then you got that guy in the White House trying and getting away with hate crimes discromnation and all the people that back this idiot. Seriously, wtf there’s so much evidence and no one cares to do anything about it.
SO FUCKING TAKE ME ALREADY I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE I TRY AND GET REJECTED AND FAIL OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Doctor Visit 3 and misc thoughts

My testosterone is almost where I need it. I got a new medication Finasteride. My Estradiol was leveled up. My progesterone was leveled up. My xrays turned out ok but my doc wants me to see a orthopedic for my back. Had a few issues with my medication being filled but that was because of an intern.

I haven’t been feeling that well lately and its really taking a toll on me. I’ve been stressed out to the max depression and dysphoria always a constant. Some of my friends have just stopped talking to me and no reason given.

I really need my srs surgery it’s getting really difficult to deal with. I want it gone and I want to feel right. I’ve been using the ladies room regularly. Practicing my fem voice in public when speaking to people I don’t know and aren’t really comfortable with.

I got some people working on finding housing for me. Which is good. Well I hope that it goes well. I’m really tired of struggling in my life with depression and dysphoria. My partner helps as much as they can and I appreciate them being there for me.

Honestly it really hurts me that I’m not complete.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

I feel stupid

I don’t normally write about this. This day was going perfect nothing gluing wrong. Then I screw it up. I forgot people need to feel safe in their own home and certain things happen. It destroys what maybe happening.

So I feel like an idiot and a moron because I disrespected their boundaries. I shouldn’t have not done that and respected your wishes. I’m so sorry that I did this again. It won’t happen again

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Dysphoria Strikes again.

So I always get Dysphoria when I see have even one hair on my body, I have to shave or I feel like having a panic attack. I check 3 to 4 times for any body hair. Which means I feel every spot I shave and then feel for hair and if I missed I shave the spot again. I’m dead serious about not having hair on my body. DO NOT WANT IT! Then I dry off and notice like one stray hair that I missed and it pisses me off.

There are times it’s really bad and I shave like a maniac. I want it off off OFF! you know. Anyone else deal with this?

***

Also while shaving I pulled my self really hard in a very delicate area and hurt myself and was in pain for a few days. Then I was adjusting myself from falling out of my undergarments and hurt myself intentionally. Anyone else out there deal with this of not liking their parts to the point they are hurting themselves?

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Surgery Funding Denied!

I’m so upset that I was Denied

e-mail of my request to get my surgery funded
(They couldn’t even put my name. Denied!!!)

From: Point of Pride

Dear Applicant,

We regret to inform you that your application was not selected to move forward as a finalist for Point of Pride’s 2019 Annual Transgender Surgery Fund.

As you may know, the volume of applications we received was over 1,500. Each of you is so deserving of the care you need, but we have extremely limited financial resources and had to make some very difficult decisions.

Our team is constantly fundraising: we are always looking to award more applicants with financial aid as resources and grants become available. If you are being considered for funding later this year, we will contact you via email.

We thank you for your application, and you are welcome to apply again next year.

Please sign up to our general e-mail newsletter list (form in the footer of our website) for updates related to next year’s cycle.

If you are seeking electrolysis or laser hair removal:
We encourage you to apply for our Electrolysis Support Program. Applications are open now and again at different points throughout the year. You may learn more here: https://pointofpride.org/electrolysis-support-program/

If you are in the military or active duty:
There may be coverage options or resources available to you. This page has downloadable PDF documentation regarding transgender-related care, and may be helpful in navigating your options.

If you’re considering alternative means of fundraising:
Many applicants shared that they were trying to start a GoFundme fundraiser, or were unsure about financing options such as CareCredit. Here are some resources that may be helpful.
GoFundme’s Medical Crowdfunding Guide
Comprehensive Guide to Surgery Fundraising
6 Creative Ways to Raise Money for Your Trans Surgery
What You Should Know Before Using CareCredit to Pay for Medical Expenses
How to Approach Getting Insurance Coverage for a Trans Surgery
Does Medicare Cover Gender-Affirming Surgery?

Sincerely,
The Point of Pride Board of Directors

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Therapist Appointment 6

Very traumatic visit on the 16th of January. Two things I talked about were the rape that went on for 5 years off and on which is pretty graphic so I’m sparing you the details of that. Then I spoke about the thing that first sent me into split personalities, and sent me into the Mental Hospital for the first time. Both were hard to talk about I couldn’t even bring myself to actually tell her about the rape that had happened I wrote it down in great detail. All she could do was say how can people do something like that to another person.

When I went into the mental hospital I had just turned 21 22 ish. I was dating this gal at the time. Who had told me for two years that’s right two years that she loved me very much every day. We had a lot of very hot sex again I’ll save you the details of that. So she started to work for the Renaissance Fair she would come home every night. Until one night…

It was very early in the morning around 3 am I had fallen asleep waiting for her to come home. She called and woke me up so I wasn’t all there. You know the kind of wake up I’m talking about. You’re half awake barely paying attention to anything. She starts to talk about how she wasn’t coming home. She then went on to explain she had been sleeping with her boss, and describing how much bigger and better he was. I knew she was trying to hit all my buttons. I just shrugged that off after all if that’s what she wanted to do with her body that’s her choice. I can’t tell someone who they can and can’t sleep with after all you choose what you want to do with your own body.

After she went into great length to try to hurt me which didn’t work. She told me the horrible truth that I couldn’t handle. Remember how I wrote above how many times she had said I love you… Well guess what? That turned out to be a big fat fucking lie, She told me she had nothing but lust for me. I flipped out and tried to kill myself and split into several personalities that was fucking fun to battle. I’m not going into detail on that either to spare you my readers.

So I called the cops on myself and was admitted to a mental hospital for 3 months.

Side note I showed her what I am capable of drawing.

Hand drawn and Coloured by me Kaytlyn