Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Psychologist Appointment

It was a cold and snowy day not sticking snow but snow nevertheless. My initial appointment was supposed to be at 10:35 am my transportation never showed. After calling the transportation service, they called the driver who had said they were going to be there in 15 mins. I call back 20 mins later still no ride and the insurance called my Psychologist and moved my appointment to 12:45 pm my ride had gotten stuck in the snow an hour away even though they had just told my insurance that they’d be here in 15 mins. Anyways they still arrived late to get me I was about to have a fucking meltdown.

This driver honestly shouldn’t be driving they took their hands off the wheel multiple times to talk with their hands. Blew by 2 stop signs and almost hit the curb a dozen of times. The whole drive made me extremely nauseated and I never get car sick.

I arrive at the appointment and they ask if I’d like some tea, and gave me some new flavor I’ve never had. Something with the letter R I can’t recall. It was a very good tea and was nice to be sipping it for the meet and greet with the Psychologist.

The meet and greet went really well the Psychologist gendered me correctly and used my correct pronouns and stated that where she worked what people want to identify is what matters and should be respected. I felt I was at home and discussed signing my surgery paper briefly. She said if they allowed her to she would sign off on it so woot.

Discussed my issues with the other medications and brought up my concerns and she took me off of every medication. Then gave me 3 medications. I was a walking pharmacy til today no more. I can’t wait to start these sadly I can’t get them today and will be tomorrow.

Gifts they gave me some swag

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

I can’t believe we can’t even get along

Seriously, If we fight in our own community we can’t win this thing.  Think a minute about what you are saying.  It does NOT matter if a trans woman accepts their parts or not.  It doesn’t invalidate them it doesn’t make them less of a woman.  A now former friend had to block them because they said that this person couldn’t be a trans woman or identify if they like their parts.  That’s very very transphobic not to mention mean.  Personally I don’t like mine but that’s me.  Every person is going to be different.  There’s no right or wrong way to be Trans.

Just really upset me and needed to write in my blog about this.  This was a person that was in our own community and identified as a trans woman.  Yet made this horrible comments about them because of one simple thing.  That’s not right at all.

Love each other accept our differences.

Enough said.

 

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Therapy Appointment 3

Another good appointment.  She made me cry again.  Well ok she didn’t but she had let me get out something I was holding onto recently.  Don’t know why I can cry so easily for her rather then myself.  She keeps reminding me it’s ok to have these emotions.  So I told her how I didn’t do the assignment of writing the trauma out in like age gaps.  0-3 this that or the other happened. I told her I was afraid that she’d be angry with me for not doing it and how hard it was just to write one.  Especially around this time of the year I was reminded that it probably wasn’t a good time to go exploring my trauma.

So now she said I could jump around and do the easier trauma first and then the harder ones.  She suggested I draw it.  This could get really dark.  The amount of time I would have to spend on one drawing alone to get all the details just right is enormous.   I actually am more then likely going to start this soon.  I do and don’t want to but as my therapist stated that I have to try to deal with it.

It scares me to be honest.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Feelings annoy me sometimes

Ever get upset cuz someone does the same thing every time around the same day feeling like it was intentional. Like the want to upset you intentionally. I’m just trying to have a great holiday and now I feel angry and upset and want to cry.

Do i?

No.

I just bottle it up like I always do. I want to punch a wall and put my fist threw it.

I need to be held.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Dysphoria

I’m about to have a fucking melt down.  I just got major dysphoria.  Was talking in a support room for LGBTQ + and someone mentioned that they were absolutely free from Testosterone.  As I reflect on this I see so many others transitions that are going better than mine.  It really makes me jealous of them. Why didn’t I realize that I was a woman so much earlier in my life.  It would have saved me a lot of pain.  There’s a lot of wonderfully gorgeous Trans Women doing a lot better then I am.

I’ve been on HRT for 1 year 3 months and just now only seeing my face feminine.  My breast seem to not be going anywhere.  They are really really small and it upsets me.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  It was supposed to make things better and more balanced.  Do not get me wrong here I love what’s happening with me and I know it takes time but I’ve seen Trans Women only on their 3rd month looking a hell of a lot better then I am.

Though I’ll admit that my transition is going better then some others but still.  I don’t think you understand that I need this to go very well.  It hurts me a lot to see any sign that I was ever a male.  It pains me to no end. I just want to be that pretty sexy woman I am on the inside.

I really need a confidence booster.  I’m lacking in that area.  Every time I post a picture I hope to get all the love and awesome comments, and then it’s a bunch of likes but barely any comments I need VALIDATION.  Is that too much to ask for.  I know I shouldn’t rely on opinion of others but I do. It means everything to me to be seen as a beautiful attractive woman.

Honestly, I’m fed up with being any bit male, and it all bothers me to the point where I’ve gotten rid of all my male photos. I don’t want to be reminded of what I used to be / was forced to be. It was the standards of the time.

I’m hurting so much and I just want to cry.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Nightmares Return

After several months of nothing having any nightmares.  I have one last night.  First let me say that before this nightmare happened I was asleep til about 4:30 am.  I felt extremely hot and I was overheating to the point that I got ill.  I went back to sleep.

The nightmare was about people coming for me to take away my transition medications.  Saying that it’s no longer allowed and I can never be a woman no matter what I do.  I tried to run away but kept going in circles and ended up back where they took everything away from me.  My insurance, my medicine.  All my research sources were taken down off line. There was no mention of trans anywhere.  It was the most horrible thing.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Interview Starbucks

Today, I had an interview with Starbucks. I feel that it went pretty well today. I walked in and to the counter and the first thing said to me was “How Can I get you Ma’am?” I asked for the Hiring manager and she had explained that she was that person. She then said “You must be Kaytlyn.” This made me smile along with being gendered correctly. She then asked me if I’d like a drink. I had to explain that I had no money at all and wouldn’t been able to pay for it. She gave me one for free for the interview.

She was really pleasant only asking a few questions. At the end of the Interview she stated she would ask other HR people to see if they had any open placements. Also that if she had a free spot I would have landed the job. Although, I almost missed the Interview cuz I messed up the time.

It’s really nice to have people gendering me correctly. That’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. I really believe people are finally seeing my feminine self. It’s really an amazing feeling. Finally I pass and I had no make up on what so ever. Sadly I didn’t have the time.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Psychiatrist where are you?

I had my therapy appointment and she gave me a notebook to break down my trauma to age ranges that the events happened. She feels that by breaking them down to tackle them one at a time would help. My thoughts on this are is a very logical as scientific way of doing it. Which is right up my alley.

She also called a Psychiatrist Torres on my behalf to get my meds back in track. I’m patiently waiting on that.

Got a call later in the day to let me know I’m a special case and they couldn’t fit me in. I got very upset. I was like so my mental health is so bad I have to be apart from everyone else and can’t get help. The guy stated I had to understand the situation that she couldn’t take any more clientele. And he hung up.

Still in search for a psychiatrist.

BLOG UPDATE

Found one I see them on Friday.

Posted on by kaytlyndakota

Craptastic

Walmart the major cause of my anxiety. It was pretty packed today and there were a few times I got triggered and there were a few times I had PTSD events and I feel really lost now.

Right now I feel like I’m hurting I feel so very alone I feel that I can’t do anything right I feel so lost. Right now I just want curl up into a ball and just cry really hard and I’m trying not to and I just don’t know anymore. People were looking at me strangely today and it’s not good. Not good at all.

I just don’t know what to do.