So Factory 2-U was going bankrupt and they had a clothing sale and I went there a couple of days before they were going to close permanently I got some nice high heels. We saw the Sign it said 3 days until is closing. And so we came back when it was closing 3 days later and we were shopping and they handed those this bag and said anything you put in it would be ten bucks so we went scrounging for you know anything and everything that we could find that would fit us or fit someone that we knew Etc so we were there long enough that they said everything would be $5 in the bag and so we went crazy and got a bunch more stuff. All and all it was a good haul. So I thought I was going to have some anxiety and I didn’t I guess I was so focused on getting everything that I wanted while I had the chance to get anything I wanted for five bucks I mean more than one item I’m talking about the whole giant bag was $5 so about like maybe half of a half of a penny each. So I didn’t have anxiety and overall was a good day
There are nice people
Went to the Food Bank today and was very overwhelmed with anxiety waiting to get the food. A gentleman said excuse me miss. I felt so amazing that I would have listened to anything he said. After we got the food. The same man offered to unload it into the car. After declining he came back moments later.
Remember no matter what anybody says, you are no less.
After that wished us happy holidays.
***
I called my insurance to arrange a ride for therapy. They called me miss.
Felling very valid today.
Therapy
Today 12/12/18 I went to my therapy appointment. Before the appointment I was waiting for my transportation. This transportation was late, I had to call 3 times and check out what was going on. This was at 8:30 am when they were supposed to be there. The transportation service stated that they would be there in 15 mins, they weren’t. So back on the phone I went and called the service again. By the time I finally got a hold of someone the transportation was there. Luckily, I was wrong about the appointment time which was at 10 and not 9 as I originally thought.
So I’m sitting in the office and the receptionist says, you can help yourself to coffee. This was a good sign and so I grabbed a cup of joe and was drinking it while filling out all the paperwork. Out comes my therapist and introduces herself to me saying “Hello Kay, nice to meet you.” I felt so awesome. Got to the part of my medications, listing everything I’m on see scientific journal which I may end up creating another blog for just so I can post updates and sorts.
So it went well, The therapist was getting to know me. She had commented that I had been through a lot. I said that everything I had told her to catch her up to know me that this was just the tip of the iceberg and she said she gathered that. I love this therapist we mesh very well.
Transition
It’s been a year and 3 months already? Where Did the time go. I can’t believe the changes I’m seeing. It’s mind boggling. Just a few weeks ago I started a new hormone that should help increase my breast. Though they are still small. I’m seeing a bit of growth. It’s amazing seeing all these changes even small as this.
It feels so very wonderful to be the me I’ve had to keep inside me for so very long. Though sometimes I feel that nothing is changing and I’m going to be stuck like this forever I have to remind myself that it will change. Though that’s harder then I’ll admit to for me to do. I can’t wait til I get the hairstyle I want and fully embrace Kaytlyn. Honestly I already am fully embracing me. I’m letting me develop and adapt and become the woman I am. It’s amazing really it is.
I’m free to be me whatever I decide to be. I’m so excited that y’all are seeing this with me and are on this wonderful journey with me. I’m leaving my old self where it belongs and going to move forward. There will be pitfalls I’m sure but I’ll work through them.
Bad Karma
Something I don’t talk about a lot is my kids. It hurts me a lot that I can’t see them or talk to them. Because I screwed up. I failed them. You don’t know how hard it’s been for me to be so far out of their life that it kills me that I can’t even see them.
It hurts so much I don’t even talk about them to most people. Though they do know I have kids.
2011 I made the worst decision of my life, I gave up everything to be with someone I thought I was going to be with the rest of my life.
5 years later I got out of that relationship. It was bad. Abusive, mentally physically, and psychologically. It took someone I was renting a room from to tell me that I need to get out and that it was very bad for me to even stay
I made a plan to escape, and escape I did. I escaped to a whole another state. Where I was with someone that was still married. I should have not done that, but I did.
They left me due to reasons that I don’t really know it could have been because I was starting to transition.
I was left alone here in New Mexico. I had a job for about a year and lost that. I lost my phone, I get no help from the state other then a small amount for food stamps.
I lost my home that I was staying at renting.
Now I’ve lost any chance to reconcile with my youngest. I screwed that up too.
I’ve done nothing but make bad impulsive decisions. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe all the bad stuff I’ve done is paying me back and I deserve all of this now happening to me.
I want to harm myself. I don’t want to keep failing at life. I don’t want this bad stuff to happen anymore.
Meanwhile I’m in the most danger I’ve ever been cuz there’s a nut in charge of this country that no one wants to do anything about because there’s a more insane nut that would be worse.
I’m fighting to stay in life just to be who I am.
I know I need to let this go, I know I need to move on from it all. When I change my name legally that is what I’m going to do.
It just hurts so much
My Phone
My phone was stolen from me. Fact is that it’s long gone now. No way to get it back. I’m going to miss it. Just really upsetting that someone would steal an obsolete phone thinking that they could get a lot of cash for it. It’s worthless to anyone but me. It really hurt and I really don’t know how to get over this one. All those years of using it and it never failing me. I love that thing.
Change
We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me.
11th Doctor – Matt Smith – The Doctor
So I’ve changed again, I don’t know how I feel about it yet. It will be revealed soon. As The Doctor said about change it can be good to move forward.
Defining myself as I become more Kaytlyn there’s a lot of work to be done. Some gradual some instant and a blink of an eye.
Thank you for joining me in my journey.
Rant
So what’s happened in my life to get me to this point? Well I lost someone close to me at a young age. I’ve been sexually abused, physically abused, mentally abused, and physiologically abused. I also have been discriminated against by my previous employer who set me up to fail. Not providing training as needed, not listening to me when discussing transgender issues, training issues, bathroom usage issues.
Constant misgendering me. Even after correcting them constantly. Telling me how I need to dress to be female as if clothing defined me. Constant hr discrimination against me. Giving me other options and not allowing those options when I asked for them.
After being let go of my job I fell into a deep dark pit of depression. I was so worried about hurting myself I admitted myself to the inpatient mental health so that I didn’t do self harm or worse. Friday the 28th a staff member stated that my doctor psychologist ” in order to be safe I should transition back to male” Giving me back into a life I was very unhappy with. The staff member then stated that they said that’s not a good idea.
The Doctor requested me after I let the director and staff know I was being discriminated against. The Doctor had actually stated “she can’t be safe even at a homeless shelter & how bad it would be if I did try to transition back”
Either way it’s discrimination no matter what either the person saying it or the person relating that information should be held accountable. The admin staff agree with me that I should file a law suit
Not to mention losing my home that I’ve been in for a year.
So I’m trying to deal with all of this stuff and trying to self care. When doctor’s don’t see you when you need to. They don’t listen to what you need in order to help yourself. It’s ridicules
Psychologist rant
I walked about an hour to my first Psychologist appointment today. Only to find out that they refused to see me on the basis I made them feel uncomfortable. I’ve been waiting for this appointment for about 6 months, and it really upset me. I can’t believe that I wasted all that time. So now I have to go find a new one and the delay is now even longer and my Dysphoria is really hurting me.
What you need in order to have SRS
A mental health evaluation: A mental health evaluation is required to look for any mental health concerns that could influence an individual’s mental state, and to assess a person’s readiness to undergo the physical and emotional stresses of the transition.
A clear and consistent documentation of gender dysphoria.
A “real life” test: The individual must take on the role of the desired sex in everyday activities, both socially and professionally (known as “real-life experience” or “real-life test”).
These are required and has to do the mental health evaluation – Current diagnosis Sever Major Depressive disorder, psychotic features, PTSD, and Generalized anxiety order. I posted this in an earlier Journal Entry
A Psychologist,Neurologist, and a Doctor all need to sign off on this
How Long Does the Sex Reassignment Surgery Process Take?
Surgery is delayed until at least one year after the start of hormone therapy and at least two years after the first mental health
evaluation. Once the surgical procedures begin, the amount of time until completion is variable depending on the number of procedures desired, recovery time, and more.
I’ve already been on HRT or Hormone Therapy Treatment for over a year, and have only one mental health evaluation from the mental hospital
I feel incomplete
I feel very incomplete as the days go on the worse that feeling gets. I try saying to my self that I’m pretty and beautiful. I say them over and over again. It doesn’t change the feeling of incompleteness.
I’ve said these things over and over again. I can’t get past this and move on.
I get upset that my transition is slow. I get upset that my breast are way too small. I get upset that I have something that doesn’t belong anymore.
I need to be complete.
I’ve complained about my voice over and over again yet I do nothing to train it.
Actually the truth. I feel like that’ll be what killed the old me, and yes I’m not that person anymore. I got rid of the name. Called myself Kaytlyn Dakota. Why’s it so hard to put Neal Guzman to rest?
I don’t want to be incomplete anymore, it’s doing more harm then good.
Kaytlyn Dakota 